All Time Top Five Best Things To Hear About an Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped You

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me he saw my ex-girlfriend at a bar. I was intrigued, as soon after we broke up, this girlfriend dropped off the face of the Earth, as far as I knew. The relationship hadn't ended well, and some pretty nasty things were said that some people might want to take back now. For that reason, I wasn't that concerned about her or her life, except for one thing--were things crappy for her? Because otherwise I couldn't care less. But there's just something about hearing that your former significant other has fallen on hard times since they left you that fills you with such immense feelings of schadenfreude. However, while any bad news will fill you with happiness at their misfortune, some things are definitely better to hear than others. So without further ado, the All Time Top Five Best Things to Hear About an Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped You.

5) "I saw _______ today at the grocery store. Man, she's really fat now." - The ultimate catch-all. Your ex-girlfriend, who was svelte and beautiful when she was with you, has clearly fallen into a downward spiral of Haagen-Dazs and Bon-Bons since she broke up with you. And who will have her now?

4) "I was reading the newspaper today, and you'll never guess who got arrested! _______!" - If she's arrested for prostitution, this one moves up the list.

3) "I saw _________ at the mall today...with her kid!" Phew, dodged a bullet there...or did you? If a paternity suit follows, this one drops waaaaaaaaay down the list. Way down.

2) "Saw ________ at a bar last night. Man, she did not look good. She was waaaaaaaay too skinny, and had really big circles under her eyes and track marks in her arms. I think she's on drugs." - Yikes. Looks like her dumping you was the just the first in a long line of mistakes. You're feeling pretty good about that relationship ending now, that's for sure.

1) "You'll never guess who I saw at Starbucks today! __________! And not only that, but she was with one of her friends, and she was crying about how she'll never find a guy like you again and how dumping you was the biggest mistake of her life! Plus, she's fat now!" - The perfect storm of great things to hear about an ex. Not only has she realized her mistake, but she's so upset about it that she's breaking down in public. Plus, she's fat now! Double whammy!

All Time Top Five Best Things to Hear About an Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped You That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: "I saw __________ today at the park. Man, her new boyfriend is ugly." (Solid, but, at the same time, she's got a new boyfriend, which still sort of sucks), "So you know how I still work with your ex-girlfriend __________? Well, not anymore--she got fired." (All well and good, but not quite personal enough...if she got fired for being a slut, on the other hand...), and "Did you hear about your ex-girlfriend __________? She's a dude now!" (Actually, this one isn't so great...)

If you've got your own great things to hear about an ex-girlfriend who dumped you, let's here 'em below. And ladies, what are some of the best things you'd like to hear about an ex-boyfriend who dumped you?