RBI Baseball is pretty much the best video game ever made. I still play it a couple of teams a week online (here, if you're interested). While I tend to play with my beloved Boston Red Sox, every team has at least a couple of players that make them worth playing as. So, with that in mind, today we'll look at the All Time Top Five Best Players in RBI Baseball. While there's no Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson-types in RBI Baseball, there are definitely some players who are better than others.
5) Tony Armas, Boston - Tony Armas is one of the best hitters on the Red Sox squad in that game, which is ironic since you have to go to the bench to use him. I sub him for Marty Barrett, who is a good player in his own right, but I want to get Armas and his 43 homeruns as many at bats as possible. Another popular move is subbing him for Spike Owen and his putrid .231 average and 1 homerun. Either way, Armas guarantees you at least one light tower shot a game.
4) Mark McGwire, AL All Star - Another hidden gem of power, this time located on the American League All-Star team. For some reason he didn't make the starting lineup (Don Mattingly took his spot), but plug him in in place of the flawed Willie Randolph and watch the homeruns fly. 49 dingers don't grow on trees.
3) Vince Coleman, St. Louis - The fastest player in the game. Coleman (and, to a lesser extent, the #2 hitter in the St. Louis lineup, Ozzie Smith) will drive you crazy legging out infield singles, stealing the base every time, and rounding the bases on a gapper for an inside the park homerun. While he's a blast to play with, you need every ounce of his speed, as the St. Louis lineup lacks thunder, with only Jack Clark as a legit homerun threat every time up. Then again, with Vince's speed, you don't really need it.
2) Reggie Jackson, California - The best hitter in the game, bar none. Jackson hit in every game like it was the '77 World Series. What's strange about it though, is that, while most batters statistics seem to come from either 1986 or 1987 (the years before the game debuted), Jackson's .275 average and 39 homeruns were amassed in 1982. Obviously someone at Tengen was a big Mr. October fan.
1) Bret Saberhagen, AL All-Stars - Saberhagen's unique side armed delivery (which I don't think he threw like in real life, strangely enough) gave him devestating command of breaking pitches, making him the best pitcher in the game. While most pitchers in the game are only able to last 3 innings or so at peak performance, seemingly disqualifying Sabes from being the best player in the game, if you could amass the needed 10 run lead for a forfeit (a pretty easy task with the thunder found in the AL All-Star lineup), Sabes was capable of throwing you a no-hitter every time out. And that's all you could ask for from a pitcher. Sabes is my favorite player to use in the game, and the most dominant. Therefore, he's the All Time Best Player in RBI Baseball, by a hair.
The truth is though, you can make a case for most anybody. But since Sabes was the most unique, I think it makes sense that he get the title. Man, that game was awesome.
All Time Top Five Best Players in RBI Baseball That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: Roger Clemens, Nolan Ryan, Dwight Gooden, and every other hard throwing overhanded starting pitcher (They were all nasty, but all pretty much the same. How do you distinguish?), Don Baylor (this guy was awesome and a guaranteed homer every game, but I didn't want to go too Red Sox heavy, even though they were clearly the best team), Juan Berenguer (who? The hard-throwing set up man in the Minnesota bullpen, that's who. Do yourself a favor and close games out with this guy instead of Reardon--you'll be glad you did.), and Lenny Dykstra (an underrated source of speed who could poke one out for you as well. Him and Mookie Wilson were kind of a poor man's version of Vince Coleman and Ozzie Smith, but with more pop).
And One All Time Top Five Best Players in RBI Baseball Who Wasn't Even Close to Making the Cut: Al Pedrique - Somehow this guy made the NL All-Star team on the game, single-handedly bringing down the whole team. The guy only spent 3 years in the bigs with 3 different teams. Clearly Pedrique has some incriminating photos of someone at Tengen, or maybe it was an inside joke. Either way, this lovable loser would go down in history as the worst player in the game, making him a bizarro household name to millions of young men across the country. Way to go Al!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
All Time Top Five Best Smiths Songs
Because I've been listening to The Smiths a lot again lately, here are their five best songs, unequivocally, as determined by me. Please note that it's nearly impossible to pick just 5, but, as that's the point of the blog, feel free to draw your own conclusions.
5) This Charming Man - It's songs like this that make me wonder why The Smiths have a reputation for being so depressing and dour. Sure, some of the songs do fit that mold, but it seems to me that just as many are actually quite peppy and danceable, like this jaunty tune. Johnny Marr's jangly opening riff sets up a fun song that's lyrics return to the one of Morrissey's favorite topics. The sexual ambiguity delivered is all well and good, but it's the clever coupling of lyrics that makes Morrissey so rightly revered, and it's on full display here.
4) Panic - An anthem for today's hipsters, never before has the radio been called out so publicly, proudly, and catchy...uh, ily. The second half of the song--the near constant refrain of 'Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ' is brilliant, and will ring in your head for days afterwards.
3) There is a Light That Never Goes Out - Just a great song. It's perfect in that it's catchy, but still sublimely powerful. In the simple refrain of 'There is a light and it never goes out,' to close the song, we're left feeling sad, but still hopeful, which is, I think, the essence of great art.
2) How Soon is Now - A little bit of an upset here, in that it's not number 1 as would be the knee jerk reaction, but I just think there is one song that is slightly better. (What can I say, I'm a sucker for the piano.) However, that should take nothing away from 'How Soon is Now' a perfect slice of loneliness that anyone who has ever stood in a crowded room and never felt more alone can relate to. My favorite line, 'There's a club if you'd like to go, you could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry and you want to die,' reminds me of just how painful and awkward it was at times to be single in the city. There's nothing really redemptive about this song, just a sad commiseration of being awkward, lonely, and wanting to be loved. To answer my own question from earlier, as this is probably the best known Smiths song, it's probably where their reputation comes from.
1) Asleep - Continuing on with the bleak theme of greatness, Asleep is my favorite Smiths song (or should I say favourite). It's so sad, yet still so filled with hope. Perhaps it's not the intent, directly (it's obviously about committing suicide because the world is so bleak that anything must be better), and yet Morrissey convinces us that this is a good thing. Quite frankly, I'm not sure the so-called Emo culture could exist without this song. It's sad, beautiful, and perfect, from the opening sad notes played by Marr on the piano, to Morrissey's breathy "oh, there must be" as the song ends, it's just perfect.
All Time Top Five Best Smiths Songs That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: What Difference Does It Make (another great guitar riff by Marr to open the song, but 'This Charming Man' filled the quota for the list), Shoplifters of the World Unite (great solo in the middle of the song by Marr that is so simple, yet really brings the song home), Ask(another great riff by Marr), Bigmouth Strikes Again (in concert, Morrisey changed the lyrics of this song from 'as the flames rose to her Roman nose, and her walkman started to melt' to 'as the flames rose to her Roman nose, and her iPod started to melt.' I thought that was cool), Sweet & Tender Hooligan (any song about futbol hooligans is okay in my book), and Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want (too many depressing songs on this list already, but it would have been a fair choice nonetheless).
5) This Charming Man - It's songs like this that make me wonder why The Smiths have a reputation for being so depressing and dour. Sure, some of the songs do fit that mold, but it seems to me that just as many are actually quite peppy and danceable, like this jaunty tune. Johnny Marr's jangly opening riff sets up a fun song that's lyrics return to the one of Morrissey's favorite topics. The sexual ambiguity delivered is all well and good, but it's the clever coupling of lyrics that makes Morrissey so rightly revered, and it's on full display here.
4) Panic - An anthem for today's hipsters, never before has the radio been called out so publicly, proudly, and catchy...uh, ily. The second half of the song--the near constant refrain of 'Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ' is brilliant, and will ring in your head for days afterwards.
3) There is a Light That Never Goes Out - Just a great song. It's perfect in that it's catchy, but still sublimely powerful. In the simple refrain of 'There is a light and it never goes out,' to close the song, we're left feeling sad, but still hopeful, which is, I think, the essence of great art.
2) How Soon is Now - A little bit of an upset here, in that it's not number 1 as would be the knee jerk reaction, but I just think there is one song that is slightly better. (What can I say, I'm a sucker for the piano.) However, that should take nothing away from 'How Soon is Now' a perfect slice of loneliness that anyone who has ever stood in a crowded room and never felt more alone can relate to. My favorite line, 'There's a club if you'd like to go, you could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry and you want to die,' reminds me of just how painful and awkward it was at times to be single in the city. There's nothing really redemptive about this song, just a sad commiseration of being awkward, lonely, and wanting to be loved. To answer my own question from earlier, as this is probably the best known Smiths song, it's probably where their reputation comes from.
1) Asleep - Continuing on with the bleak theme of greatness, Asleep is my favorite Smiths song (or should I say favourite). It's so sad, yet still so filled with hope. Perhaps it's not the intent, directly (it's obviously about committing suicide because the world is so bleak that anything must be better), and yet Morrissey convinces us that this is a good thing. Quite frankly, I'm not sure the so-called Emo culture could exist without this song. It's sad, beautiful, and perfect, from the opening sad notes played by Marr on the piano, to Morrissey's breathy "oh, there must be" as the song ends, it's just perfect.
All Time Top Five Best Smiths Songs That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: What Difference Does It Make (another great guitar riff by Marr to open the song, but 'This Charming Man' filled the quota for the list), Shoplifters of the World Unite (great solo in the middle of the song by Marr that is so simple, yet really brings the song home), Ask(another great riff by Marr), Bigmouth Strikes Again (in concert, Morrisey changed the lyrics of this song from 'as the flames rose to her Roman nose, and her walkman started to melt' to 'as the flames rose to her Roman nose, and her iPod started to melt.' I thought that was cool), Sweet & Tender Hooligan (any song about futbol hooligans is okay in my book), and Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want (too many depressing songs on this list already, but it would have been a fair choice nonetheless).
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
All Time Top Five Signs the Boston Celtics are Cursed
Some people here may not know it, but I'm a huge Celtics fan. And last night was a brutal stomach punch...I keep thinking it was a dream, and that I'll turn on the television tonight and watch us get the #1 pick and Greg Oden. But it's a horrible, horrible reality, and I'm feeling extremely sad today. To vent my frustrations, and for, I don't know, therepeutic reasons (?), today will be the All Time Top Five Signs the Boston Celtics are Cursed. Without further ado:
5) Celtics Trade #7 Pick in 2006 Draft to Portland, Portland Selects Brandon Roy, 2006 NBA Rookie of the Year, 2007 Lottery Representative for Portland; Portland Gets #1 Pick in 2007 NBA Draft - A mouthful, I know, but it's necessary to understand just how deep the curse runs. Portland trades us Sebastian Telfair (and his apparently unlimited supply of firearms) in exchange for the pick that was Brandon Roy. Roy goes on to be the best rookie in the league and undoubtedly a star for years to come. Fast forward to this year, and the Blazers realize they have a lucky rabbit's foot in Roy, so they send him as their representative to the Draft Lottery, where Roy's luck works again, as the Celtics get shut out of the Top 4 and Portland and Roy get Greg Oden (essentially). I feel like Rob Gordon in High Fidelity after he finds out Allison Ashmore married Kevin Bannister. "Alison married Kevin! I am fine now! Married her junior high school sweetheart: kissed me on the bench, kissed Kevin on the bench - MARRIED Kevin. This is great! This has got nothing to do with me! This is fate, this is destiny; it is beyond my control, beyond my fault. I love this!" Just keep repeating it...this has nothing to do with me. It is beyond my control...deep breaths...
4) Celtics get #5 pick in the 2007 NBA Draft Lottery - The logical follow-up to trading away Roy. Of course we'd be punished by the basketball gods for making such a boneheaded trade. Sure, we had something like an 88% chance of getting a pick better than 5, but...honestly, I'm not sure I can even discuss this rationally right now. It was a like a punch to the gut. A hard one. The funny thing is, I ran ESPN's lottery simulator 10 times last night. By odds, the Celtics should have gotten one of the Top 2 picks about 4 times. After they only came up 1 time out of 10, I started to panic and kept running it. I ended up with the Celtics getting a Top 2 pick 2 times out of 17 before giving up and cussing out ESPN's stupid bullshit machine. And both times it was the #2 pick. I should've known better. The worst part, is the Celtics kept getting the 4th or 5th pick, which the odds were very much against. After it kept happening, I said to myself, "yeah, but that'll never happen. We'll get at least the 2 or 3..." Actually getting saddled with the #5 pick never even crossed my mind. It was like thinking of a UFO landing in your backyard. Is it theoretically possible? Yeah, I guess so. But you'd never expect it. I'm rambling. I need to move on.
3) Len Bias Dies - Most people would probably consider this number 1, or at least number 2, on this list, and with good reason. Len Bias dying before ever suiting up for the Celtics would be like if Kevin Durant dropped dead unexpectedly the day after he's selected by the Sonics. It was shocking and devestating, and was the first sign that maybe things wouldn't always turn up roses for the Celts. The reason I don't list it higher is that, at the time, we still had Larry Bird and fielded some very good teams after this. While it's true that the Celtics would never win another championship (and clearly that is something that is bound to continue), I don't think anyone could have sensed at the time that it would be the death knell for Celtics basketball. It wasn't the first in a long line of horrible luck; rather, it was just the first bad thing that had ever really happened to the Celtics. Who knew?
2) Reggie Lewis Dies - I remember when I heard about this (I was only 11 years old at the time), I'd just got back from playing basketball with my dad. It was so strange to think that somewhere not too far away, Reggie Lewis had been doing the same thing--just shooting free throws--when he collapsed and never woke up. I knew that there was something wrong with him, as I'd been watching the playoff game agains the Hornets when he collapsed the first time, but I always just sort of thought he'd recover. It was a crushing blow for the Celtics and all of New England, and it signaled the end of an era in Celtics history. The team really hasn't been the same since.
1) Celtics Don't Get #1 Pick in 1997 NBA Draft, despite Best Odds, miss out on Tim Duncan - This one still hurts every day. Having to watch Tim Duncan go out and win championship after championship after championship (and, undoubtedly after this year, after championship) has been brutal. Not winning that lottery left us Munsoned out in no-man's land, left to mediocrity year after year (with the exception of the magical run in 2002, which doesn't really count since everyone knew that 1) that team was playing over their heads; and 2) whoever won the Eastern Conference Finals was going to get the shit kicked out of them by the Lakers anyway, which inevitably happened to the Nets, who got swept). The fact that we got screwed again this year, amazingly only makes 1997 sting that much worse.
All Time Top Five Signs that the Boston Celtics are Cursed That Didn't Quite Make the Cut - Paul Pierce is stabbed outside a nightclub (but, thank god, he made a complete recovery); Rick Pitino Agrees to Coach Club (and proceeded to lay an egg and almost irrevocably destroy the club before hightailing it out of here; still, if he got Duncan, it might have been different); Vin Baker is inexplicably traded to the Celts (and brings his booze with him); and Red Auerbach dies before the 2006-2007 season (talk about bad signs; we miss you Red).
5) Celtics Trade #7 Pick in 2006 Draft to Portland, Portland Selects Brandon Roy, 2006 NBA Rookie of the Year, 2007 Lottery Representative for Portland; Portland Gets #1 Pick in 2007 NBA Draft - A mouthful, I know, but it's necessary to understand just how deep the curse runs. Portland trades us Sebastian Telfair (and his apparently unlimited supply of firearms) in exchange for the pick that was Brandon Roy. Roy goes on to be the best rookie in the league and undoubtedly a star for years to come. Fast forward to this year, and the Blazers realize they have a lucky rabbit's foot in Roy, so they send him as their representative to the Draft Lottery, where Roy's luck works again, as the Celtics get shut out of the Top 4 and Portland and Roy get Greg Oden (essentially). I feel like Rob Gordon in High Fidelity after he finds out Allison Ashmore married Kevin Bannister. "Alison married Kevin! I am fine now! Married her junior high school sweetheart: kissed me on the bench, kissed Kevin on the bench - MARRIED Kevin. This is great! This has got nothing to do with me! This is fate, this is destiny; it is beyond my control, beyond my fault. I love this!" Just keep repeating it...this has nothing to do with me. It is beyond my control...deep breaths...
4) Celtics get #5 pick in the 2007 NBA Draft Lottery - The logical follow-up to trading away Roy. Of course we'd be punished by the basketball gods for making such a boneheaded trade. Sure, we had something like an 88% chance of getting a pick better than 5, but...honestly, I'm not sure I can even discuss this rationally right now. It was a like a punch to the gut. A hard one. The funny thing is, I ran ESPN's lottery simulator 10 times last night. By odds, the Celtics should have gotten one of the Top 2 picks about 4 times. After they only came up 1 time out of 10, I started to panic and kept running it. I ended up with the Celtics getting a Top 2 pick 2 times out of 17 before giving up and cussing out ESPN's stupid bullshit machine. And both times it was the #2 pick. I should've known better. The worst part, is the Celtics kept getting the 4th or 5th pick, which the odds were very much against. After it kept happening, I said to myself, "yeah, but that'll never happen. We'll get at least the 2 or 3..." Actually getting saddled with the #5 pick never even crossed my mind. It was like thinking of a UFO landing in your backyard. Is it theoretically possible? Yeah, I guess so. But you'd never expect it. I'm rambling. I need to move on.
3) Len Bias Dies - Most people would probably consider this number 1, or at least number 2, on this list, and with good reason. Len Bias dying before ever suiting up for the Celtics would be like if Kevin Durant dropped dead unexpectedly the day after he's selected by the Sonics. It was shocking and devestating, and was the first sign that maybe things wouldn't always turn up roses for the Celts. The reason I don't list it higher is that, at the time, we still had Larry Bird and fielded some very good teams after this. While it's true that the Celtics would never win another championship (and clearly that is something that is bound to continue), I don't think anyone could have sensed at the time that it would be the death knell for Celtics basketball. It wasn't the first in a long line of horrible luck; rather, it was just the first bad thing that had ever really happened to the Celtics. Who knew?
2) Reggie Lewis Dies - I remember when I heard about this (I was only 11 years old at the time), I'd just got back from playing basketball with my dad. It was so strange to think that somewhere not too far away, Reggie Lewis had been doing the same thing--just shooting free throws--when he collapsed and never woke up. I knew that there was something wrong with him, as I'd been watching the playoff game agains the Hornets when he collapsed the first time, but I always just sort of thought he'd recover. It was a crushing blow for the Celtics and all of New England, and it signaled the end of an era in Celtics history. The team really hasn't been the same since.
1) Celtics Don't Get #1 Pick in 1997 NBA Draft, despite Best Odds, miss out on Tim Duncan - This one still hurts every day. Having to watch Tim Duncan go out and win championship after championship after championship (and, undoubtedly after this year, after championship) has been brutal. Not winning that lottery left us Munsoned out in no-man's land, left to mediocrity year after year (with the exception of the magical run in 2002, which doesn't really count since everyone knew that 1) that team was playing over their heads; and 2) whoever won the Eastern Conference Finals was going to get the shit kicked out of them by the Lakers anyway, which inevitably happened to the Nets, who got swept). The fact that we got screwed again this year, amazingly only makes 1997 sting that much worse.
All Time Top Five Signs that the Boston Celtics are Cursed That Didn't Quite Make the Cut - Paul Pierce is stabbed outside a nightclub (but, thank god, he made a complete recovery); Rick Pitino Agrees to Coach Club (and proceeded to lay an egg and almost irrevocably destroy the club before hightailing it out of here; still, if he got Duncan, it might have been different); Vin Baker is inexplicably traded to the Celts (and brings his booze with him); and Red Auerbach dies before the 2006-2007 season (talk about bad signs; we miss you Red).
Friday, May 18, 2007
All Time Top Five Best Things To Hear About an Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped You
A few months ago, a friend of mine told me he saw my ex-girlfriend at a bar. I was intrigued, as soon after we broke up, this girlfriend dropped off the face of the Earth, as far as I knew. The relationship hadn't ended well, and some pretty nasty things were said that some people might want to take back now. For that reason, I wasn't that concerned about her or her life, except for one thing--were things crappy for her? Because otherwise I couldn't care less. But there's just something about hearing that your former significant other has fallen on hard times since they left you that fills you with such immense feelings of schadenfreude. However, while any bad news will fill you with happiness at their misfortune, some things are definitely better to hear than others. So without further ado, the All Time Top Five Best Things to Hear About an Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped You.
5) "I saw _______ today at the grocery store. Man, she's really fat now." - The ultimate catch-all. Your ex-girlfriend, who was svelte and beautiful when she was with you, has clearly fallen into a downward spiral of Haagen-Dazs and Bon-Bons since she broke up with you. And who will have her now?
4) "I was reading the newspaper today, and you'll never guess who got arrested! _______!" - If she's arrested for prostitution, this one moves up the list.
3) "I saw _________ at the mall today...with her kid!" Phew, dodged a bullet there...or did you? If a paternity suit follows, this one drops waaaaaaaaay down the list. Way down.
2) "Saw ________ at a bar last night. Man, she did not look good. She was waaaaaaaay too skinny, and had really big circles under her eyes and track marks in her arms. I think she's on drugs." - Yikes. Looks like her dumping you was the just the first in a long line of mistakes. You're feeling pretty good about that relationship ending now, that's for sure.
1) "You'll never guess who I saw at Starbucks today! __________! And not only that, but she was with one of her friends, and she was crying about how she'll never find a guy like you again and how dumping you was the biggest mistake of her life! Plus, she's fat now!" - The perfect storm of great things to hear about an ex. Not only has she realized her mistake, but she's so upset about it that she's breaking down in public. Plus, she's fat now! Double whammy!
All Time Top Five Best Things to Hear About an Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped You That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: "I saw __________ today at the park. Man, her new boyfriend is ugly." (Solid, but, at the same time, she's got a new boyfriend, which still sort of sucks), "So you know how I still work with your ex-girlfriend __________? Well, not anymore--she got fired." (All well and good, but not quite personal enough...if she got fired for being a slut, on the other hand...), and "Did you hear about your ex-girlfriend __________? She's a dude now!" (Actually, this one isn't so great...)
If you've got your own great things to hear about an ex-girlfriend who dumped you, let's here 'em below. And ladies, what are some of the best things you'd like to hear about an ex-boyfriend who dumped you?
5) "I saw _______ today at the grocery store. Man, she's really fat now." - The ultimate catch-all. Your ex-girlfriend, who was svelte and beautiful when she was with you, has clearly fallen into a downward spiral of Haagen-Dazs and Bon-Bons since she broke up with you. And who will have her now?
4) "I was reading the newspaper today, and you'll never guess who got arrested! _______!" - If she's arrested for prostitution, this one moves up the list.
3) "I saw _________ at the mall today...with her kid!" Phew, dodged a bullet there...or did you? If a paternity suit follows, this one drops waaaaaaaaay down the list. Way down.
2) "Saw ________ at a bar last night. Man, she did not look good. She was waaaaaaaay too skinny, and had really big circles under her eyes and track marks in her arms. I think she's on drugs." - Yikes. Looks like her dumping you was the just the first in a long line of mistakes. You're feeling pretty good about that relationship ending now, that's for sure.
1) "You'll never guess who I saw at Starbucks today! __________! And not only that, but she was with one of her friends, and she was crying about how she'll never find a guy like you again and how dumping you was the biggest mistake of her life! Plus, she's fat now!" - The perfect storm of great things to hear about an ex. Not only has she realized her mistake, but she's so upset about it that she's breaking down in public. Plus, she's fat now! Double whammy!
All Time Top Five Best Things to Hear About an Ex-Girlfriend Who Dumped You That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: "I saw __________ today at the park. Man, her new boyfriend is ugly." (Solid, but, at the same time, she's got a new boyfriend, which still sort of sucks), "So you know how I still work with your ex-girlfriend __________? Well, not anymore--she got fired." (All well and good, but not quite personal enough...if she got fired for being a slut, on the other hand...), and "Did you hear about your ex-girlfriend __________? She's a dude now!" (Actually, this one isn't so great...)
If you've got your own great things to hear about an ex-girlfriend who dumped you, let's here 'em below. And ladies, what are some of the best things you'd like to hear about an ex-boyfriend who dumped you?
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
All Time Top Five Best Jim Carrey Movies
Did anyone see 'The Number 23'? It wasn't that great--some people I know thought it was truly awful. I personally thought there was a lot of camp value in it, and the cinematography was great. Still, I can't argue with the fact that it was disappointing. Some people were excited because it was a Jim Carrey movie though, and that got me thinking--is a Jim Carry movie something to get excited about anymore? And I'm not sure that it is. However, I'm not sure it isn't either. So let's take a look at Jim's best work. The All Time Top Five Best Jim Carrey Movies.
5) The Mask - I'm not sure how well it holds up today, but it was pretty great to see when I was a kid. And the special effects were really state of the art at the time. Couple that with Cameron Diaz's film debut (and she never looked better. Ever.), and you've got a solid Jim Carrey flick, part of the original 3 movies that made him a star (the other two being Ace Ventura: Pet Detective & Dumb & Dumber).
4) Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls - This was a surprisingly good movie, certainly much better than it had any right to be. The plot was ridiculous (something about a stolen bat and warring tribes in Africa?), but Jim Carrey-ed the movie (sorry, I couldn't help myself). I laughed a lot.
3) Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - The movie that made Carrey a star is still hilarious today. Eminently quotable, great throwaway gags and lots of memorable scenes. The fact that it featured the always creepy Sean Young (check out the controversy section) as a transexual placekicker made it all that much more funny. She does have a pretty deep voice though. I'd believe it.
2) Dumb and Dumber - This is quite possibly one of the 5 funniest movies of all time, or at least one of the most quotable (which should probably be a forthcoming list). I must reference this movie at least once a week and it came out about 13 years ago (which is pretty hard to believe when you think about it). Sadly, they had to make a half-assed sequel to try and sully it's memory. Fortunately, no one saw it.
1) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - This is one of my favorite movies. It's just spectacular, and Jim Carrey is surprisingly touching and real as a jilted lover who wants to forget his relationship. Of course, he's basically playing the guy from the Mask without the magic mask, but we can look past that. Kate Winslet is also phenomenal, as always. If you haven't seen it yet, stop wasting your time here and go put it on your queue!
All Time Top Five Best Jim Carry Movies That Just Missed the Cut: Bruce Almighty (gets a little overrated just because he hadn't done anything funny in a while), Liar, Liar (pretty funny, but I prefer my Jim Carrey humor without the half-assed sentimentality and moral lessons), The Truman Show (it was okay, but was Bizarro Bruce Almighty in that it was overrated just because Carrey played it straight and wasn't awful), and Man on the Moon (I actually thought this movie sucked, but Carrey did a good Andy Kaufman impersonation).
5) The Mask - I'm not sure how well it holds up today, but it was pretty great to see when I was a kid. And the special effects were really state of the art at the time. Couple that with Cameron Diaz's film debut (and she never looked better. Ever.), and you've got a solid Jim Carrey flick, part of the original 3 movies that made him a star (the other two being Ace Ventura: Pet Detective & Dumb & Dumber).
4) Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls - This was a surprisingly good movie, certainly much better than it had any right to be. The plot was ridiculous (something about a stolen bat and warring tribes in Africa?), but Jim Carrey-ed the movie (sorry, I couldn't help myself). I laughed a lot.
3) Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - The movie that made Carrey a star is still hilarious today. Eminently quotable, great throwaway gags and lots of memorable scenes. The fact that it featured the always creepy Sean Young (check out the controversy section) as a transexual placekicker made it all that much more funny. She does have a pretty deep voice though. I'd believe it.
2) Dumb and Dumber - This is quite possibly one of the 5 funniest movies of all time, or at least one of the most quotable (which should probably be a forthcoming list). I must reference this movie at least once a week and it came out about 13 years ago (which is pretty hard to believe when you think about it). Sadly, they had to make a half-assed sequel to try and sully it's memory. Fortunately, no one saw it.
1) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - This is one of my favorite movies. It's just spectacular, and Jim Carrey is surprisingly touching and real as a jilted lover who wants to forget his relationship. Of course, he's basically playing the guy from the Mask without the magic mask, but we can look past that. Kate Winslet is also phenomenal, as always. If you haven't seen it yet, stop wasting your time here and go put it on your queue!
All Time Top Five Best Jim Carry Movies That Just Missed the Cut: Bruce Almighty (gets a little overrated just because he hadn't done anything funny in a while), Liar, Liar (pretty funny, but I prefer my Jim Carrey humor without the half-assed sentimentality and moral lessons), The Truman Show (it was okay, but was Bizarro Bruce Almighty in that it was overrated just because Carrey played it straight and wasn't awful), and Man on the Moon (I actually thought this movie sucked, but Carrey did a good Andy Kaufman impersonation).
Monday, May 14, 2007
All Time Top Five Best TV Shows (on TV Right Now)
There's a lot of crap television out there...a lot. But some of it is actually pretty decent. And although it's not technically the best shows of all time, this is the list of the All Time Top Five Best TV Shows (on TV Right Now).
5) The Soup - The best thing about The Soup is that it saves you a lot of time. I don't watch 'American Idol' or any of those god-awful VH1 "washed up sort of famous people who were never really all that famous to begin with-reality" shows, but with The Soup, I don't have to. Anything remotely worthwhile on other crappy programs is crammed into a half hour of fun presented by the hilarious and almost-shockingly likeable Joel McHale. The show's lo-fi set and frat house feel make it a pleasant alternative to VH1's own similar, though much less entertaining and far more whorish 'Best Week Ever'. The Soup is must see every week. And no repeats!
4) How I Met Your Mother - When this show first came out last year, I watched an episode or two and was unimpressed. I didn't find it all that amusing or entertaining. Yet the buzz continued to build on it word of mouth, and there's nothing really worth watching on Monday nights. So I watched part of an episode here, another part there, and next thing I knew, I was cracking up on a regular basis. I don't know what happened between then and now, but this show is a riot. It also gets ridiculous bonus points for rebranding 'Doogie Howser, M.D.' as 'Barney', a feat in and of itself. Neil Patrick Harris's work on that show is outstanding. I think the guy is, in reality, just a really good actor.
3) The Office - Funniest sitcom on television. It had the unenviable task of living up the hilarious British version and did so admirably, and with more episodes. No easy feat. Thoroughly enjoyable all around.
2) Arrested Development - This one is kind of cheating since it was actually cancelled over a year ago, but it's still on G4 (some random channel that I stumbled upon once when flipping channels and seeing Arrested Development on...which is weird, because I think it's a channel about video games or something) and the fact of the matter is that it's quite possibly the best sitcom ever. Shame on you for not watching when it was new and fresh and the possibility of cancellation was merely a hideous black specter on the horizon. If you can, buy it on DVD. You won't be sorry.
1) Friday Night Lights - The best show on television right now, bar none. Week after week my fiancee and I would sit riveted by the deft acting and pitch perfect drama on this show. It's about so much more than just high school football. Please, watch it. It'll be back this Fall on Friday nights...watch it. Seriously. It's amazing.
All Time Top Five Best TV Shows (on TV Right Now) That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: Lost (it's picked up lately, but...I don't know guys. Might be time to head back to the drawing board); 30 Rock (another one you should be watching...it's really funny); The Simpsons (it's been so great for so long, I guess I just take it for granted); Family Guy (hasn't been that great lately...maybe they should just cancel the terrible American Dad and devote all their efforts to keeping this show hilarious, rather than having two mediocre shows. That's just my opinion though.)
And One Show That was Nowhere Near Making the Cut: Heroes. What's the deal people? Seriously. Am I missing something? Because I thought this looked like an awesome show, and I watched the first 4-5 episodes and it was just ridiculous. I mean, really, really, really awful. Why does everyone love it? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. What's the deal? Seriously, if someone could enlighten me, that'd be great, because this show just seemed like crap to me.
5) The Soup - The best thing about The Soup is that it saves you a lot of time. I don't watch 'American Idol' or any of those god-awful VH1 "washed up sort of famous people who were never really all that famous to begin with-reality" shows, but with The Soup, I don't have to. Anything remotely worthwhile on other crappy programs is crammed into a half hour of fun presented by the hilarious and almost-shockingly likeable Joel McHale. The show's lo-fi set and frat house feel make it a pleasant alternative to VH1's own similar, though much less entertaining and far more whorish 'Best Week Ever'. The Soup is must see every week. And no repeats!
4) How I Met Your Mother - When this show first came out last year, I watched an episode or two and was unimpressed. I didn't find it all that amusing or entertaining. Yet the buzz continued to build on it word of mouth, and there's nothing really worth watching on Monday nights. So I watched part of an episode here, another part there, and next thing I knew, I was cracking up on a regular basis. I don't know what happened between then and now, but this show is a riot. It also gets ridiculous bonus points for rebranding 'Doogie Howser, M.D.' as 'Barney', a feat in and of itself. Neil Patrick Harris's work on that show is outstanding. I think the guy is, in reality, just a really good actor.
3) The Office - Funniest sitcom on television. It had the unenviable task of living up the hilarious British version and did so admirably, and with more episodes. No easy feat. Thoroughly enjoyable all around.
2) Arrested Development - This one is kind of cheating since it was actually cancelled over a year ago, but it's still on G4 (some random channel that I stumbled upon once when flipping channels and seeing Arrested Development on...which is weird, because I think it's a channel about video games or something) and the fact of the matter is that it's quite possibly the best sitcom ever. Shame on you for not watching when it was new and fresh and the possibility of cancellation was merely a hideous black specter on the horizon. If you can, buy it on DVD. You won't be sorry.
1) Friday Night Lights - The best show on television right now, bar none. Week after week my fiancee and I would sit riveted by the deft acting and pitch perfect drama on this show. It's about so much more than just high school football. Please, watch it. It'll be back this Fall on Friday nights...watch it. Seriously. It's amazing.
All Time Top Five Best TV Shows (on TV Right Now) That Didn't Quite Make the Cut: Lost (it's picked up lately, but...I don't know guys. Might be time to head back to the drawing board); 30 Rock (another one you should be watching...it's really funny); The Simpsons (it's been so great for so long, I guess I just take it for granted); Family Guy (hasn't been that great lately...maybe they should just cancel the terrible American Dad and devote all their efforts to keeping this show hilarious, rather than having two mediocre shows. That's just my opinion though.)
And One Show That was Nowhere Near Making the Cut: Heroes. What's the deal people? Seriously. Am I missing something? Because I thought this looked like an awesome show, and I watched the first 4-5 episodes and it was just ridiculous. I mean, really, really, really awful. Why does everyone love it? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. What's the deal? Seriously, if someone could enlighten me, that'd be great, because this show just seemed like crap to me.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
All Time Top Five Best Presidents in US History
Because, why the hell not? The All Time Top Five Best Presidents in US History:
5) George Washington - This isn't so much for anything he did as president--he basically was just a war hero and was rewarded as such--but because he was the first. That's a pretty daunting task. And considering he didn't fuck it up, that alone merits inclusion on the list. Plus, this guy survived both Smallpox and Tuberculosis, in a time when few people did either. Well done, sir. We salute you.
4) Grover Cleveland - Grover Cleveland may not be the most well-known or best president in history, but who better to represent America's 'never say die' spirit than a guy who failed to be re-elected to a second term, but then came back and won the next time out! A bold move on both his part and America's--good for Cleveland to not give in to public opinion and put himself out there again, and good for the American public for admitting they made a mistake the first time around. If only we could have been so humble in 2004.
3) Teddy Roosevelt - This guy was a badass. He hunted, rode horses, and rocked a sweet handlebar mustache. He was leader of the rough riders, which was basically a group of volunteer badasses who kicked ass and took names during the Spanish-American war, and he coined the saying "Speak softly and carry a big stick," which was also could have been the unofficial motto of another of history's most famous badasses.The only blemish on his record--and it's not his fault, really--is the fact that Robin Williams sullied his good name by portraying him as a pansy (by virtue of the fact that he was played by Robin Williams) in 'A Night at the Museum'.
2) Abraham Lincoln - Despite also quite possibly being the ugliest president in history (normally I'd link to a picture here, but you could always pull out a $5 bill...or a penny, if that's more your style), he overcame this malady to not only win the election, but to lead the country through some really rough times with a great deal of tact. Between leading the Union to victory in the Civil War and aboloshing slavery, Lincoln showed a steady hand and earned his spot on Mt. Rushmore.
1) FDR - Guided us through World War II, the Great Depression, created Social Security and the United Nations...this guy did it all. He was so good at his job that he was elected to 3 terms. For someone to do so much in such a tumultuous time in our nation's history, it's hard to imagine anyone else being number one. If it weren't for him, we could all be speaking German right now. Huzzah Mr. President, huzzah!
Best Presidents in US History That Just Missed the Cut: Thomas Jefferson (the whole illegitimate children with slaves thing seems a bit seedy), JFK (only room on the countdown for 1 president with 3 initials), Harry Truman (it took a lot of guts to drop the bomb, but many of his accomplishments piggy-backed on work FDR had already done), George W. Bush (just kidding!).
5) George Washington - This isn't so much for anything he did as president--he basically was just a war hero and was rewarded as such--but because he was the first. That's a pretty daunting task. And considering he didn't fuck it up, that alone merits inclusion on the list. Plus, this guy survived both Smallpox and Tuberculosis, in a time when few people did either. Well done, sir. We salute you.
4) Grover Cleveland - Grover Cleveland may not be the most well-known or best president in history, but who better to represent America's 'never say die' spirit than a guy who failed to be re-elected to a second term, but then came back and won the next time out! A bold move on both his part and America's--good for Cleveland to not give in to public opinion and put himself out there again, and good for the American public for admitting they made a mistake the first time around. If only we could have been so humble in 2004.
3) Teddy Roosevelt - This guy was a badass. He hunted, rode horses, and rocked a sweet handlebar mustache. He was leader of the rough riders, which was basically a group of volunteer badasses who kicked ass and took names during the Spanish-American war, and he coined the saying "Speak softly and carry a big stick," which was also could have been the unofficial motto of another of history's most famous badasses.The only blemish on his record--and it's not his fault, really--is the fact that Robin Williams sullied his good name by portraying him as a pansy (by virtue of the fact that he was played by Robin Williams) in 'A Night at the Museum'.
2) Abraham Lincoln - Despite also quite possibly being the ugliest president in history (normally I'd link to a picture here, but you could always pull out a $5 bill...or a penny, if that's more your style), he overcame this malady to not only win the election, but to lead the country through some really rough times with a great deal of tact. Between leading the Union to victory in the Civil War and aboloshing slavery, Lincoln showed a steady hand and earned his spot on Mt. Rushmore.
1) FDR - Guided us through World War II, the Great Depression, created Social Security and the United Nations...this guy did it all. He was so good at his job that he was elected to 3 terms. For someone to do so much in such a tumultuous time in our nation's history, it's hard to imagine anyone else being number one. If it weren't for him, we could all be speaking German right now. Huzzah Mr. President, huzzah!
Best Presidents in US History That Just Missed the Cut: Thomas Jefferson (the whole illegitimate children with slaves thing seems a bit seedy), JFK (only room on the countdown for 1 president with 3 initials), Harry Truman (it took a lot of guts to drop the bomb, but many of his accomplishments piggy-backed on work FDR had already done), George W. Bush (just kidding!).
Friday, May 4, 2007
All Time Top Five Worst Comic Book Movies That You Probably Didn't Even Know Were Comic Book Movies
Piggybacking on yesterday's countdown of the All Time Top Five Mainstream Comic Book Movies, today we're counting down the All Time Top Five Worst Comic Book Movies That You Probably Didn't Even Know Were Comic Book Movies. These are the movies that were made from lesser known comic books. While the Batmans, Spider-Mans, and X-Men of the world get plenty of hype, there are plenty of other movies out there that are made from comic books that only hardcore fanboys are aware of; and oddly enough, plenty of them actually turn out pretty solid. Films like 'A History of Violence' or 'The Road to Perdition' are just a couple of the movies based on lesser-known comics that turned out to be great cinema. But for every one of those, there is some hack who thinks it'd be a good idea to show off his street cred by butchering one of these lesser known works. And that's what we're here to glorify today. So, without further ado, the All Time Top Five Worst Comic Book Movies That You Probably Didn't Even Know Were Comic Book Movies:
5) Blade - This movie actually was okay, I just fucking hate Stephen Dorff. That guy's a tool.
4) Tank Girl - This movie was an unmitigated mess. I honestly couldn't tell what the hell was going on throughout the whole thing. Usually the hallmark of a crap movie. It also starred the insufferable Lori Petty (AKA Geena Davis's annoying little sister from 'A League of Their Own'), who has apparently been rightfully shunned from Hollywood since this piece of crap came out. Interestingly enough, though, it also features a pre-Ring/Hot lesbian sex scene in 'Mullholland Drive' Naomi Watts as the dorky best friend. So that's funny.
3) Steel - Hey! Let's get Shaq to play an obscure superhero! And we can get Shaft to play his father figure! Awesome. Or not.
2) From Hell - The final chapter of Johnny Depp's 'Trilogy of Shit.' Depp still owes me six hours of my life for having to sit through 'Sleepy Hollow', 'The Ninth Gate' and this piece of crap. And if I ever see him in person, I want it back.
1) The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Based on an Alan Moore graphic novel, this film just fell short...of sucking. Because if it sucked, it would have been a significant improvement. This movie featured horrible special effects, terrible acting, and at one point, I'm pretty sure Sean Connery actually asks if his check has cleared yet on camera. Maybe getting a bunch of fictional literary superheroes together to fight crime (or something) sounded good on paper. In action? Not so much.
All Time Top Five Worst Comic Book Movies That You Probably Didn't Even Know Were Comic Book Movies That Just Missed the Cut: Constantine (Crap, sure, but I'll sit through anything with Rachel Weisz), Catwoman (was it supposed to be the same Catwoman from Batman? What the hell was going on here? I can't put it on the list until I figure that out), Howard the Duck (I actually kind of liked this piece of 80's nostalgia. Lea Thompson never looked better), and Judge Dredd (Hasn't Rob Schneider suffered enough?).
5) Blade - This movie actually was okay, I just fucking hate Stephen Dorff. That guy's a tool.
4) Tank Girl - This movie was an unmitigated mess. I honestly couldn't tell what the hell was going on throughout the whole thing. Usually the hallmark of a crap movie. It also starred the insufferable Lori Petty (AKA Geena Davis's annoying little sister from 'A League of Their Own'), who has apparently been rightfully shunned from Hollywood since this piece of crap came out. Interestingly enough, though, it also features a pre-Ring/Hot lesbian sex scene in 'Mullholland Drive' Naomi Watts as the dorky best friend. So that's funny.
3) Steel - Hey! Let's get Shaq to play an obscure superhero! And we can get Shaft to play his father figure! Awesome. Or not.
2) From Hell - The final chapter of Johnny Depp's 'Trilogy of Shit.' Depp still owes me six hours of my life for having to sit through 'Sleepy Hollow', 'The Ninth Gate' and this piece of crap. And if I ever see him in person, I want it back.
1) The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Based on an Alan Moore graphic novel, this film just fell short...of sucking. Because if it sucked, it would have been a significant improvement. This movie featured horrible special effects, terrible acting, and at one point, I'm pretty sure Sean Connery actually asks if his check has cleared yet on camera. Maybe getting a bunch of fictional literary superheroes together to fight crime (or something) sounded good on paper. In action? Not so much.
All Time Top Five Worst Comic Book Movies That You Probably Didn't Even Know Were Comic Book Movies That Just Missed the Cut: Constantine (Crap, sure, but I'll sit through anything with Rachel Weisz), Catwoman (was it supposed to be the same Catwoman from Batman? What the hell was going on here? I can't put it on the list until I figure that out), Howard the Duck (I actually kind of liked this piece of 80's nostalgia. Lea Thompson never looked better), and Judge Dredd (Hasn't Rob Schneider suffered enough?).
Thursday, May 3, 2007
All Time Top Five Worst Mainstream Comic Book Movies
With Spider-Man 3 opening tomorrow, we're sure to be reminded of all the fun and excitement of comic books. Over the past few years, many, many, many films have been torn from the pages of comic books and graphic novels; some have been very, very good (See: Batman Begins, Spider-Man 1 & 2); others have been, well...not so good. And those are the ones we'll be embracing today. Tomorrow we'll take a look at the crappy movies made from comic books that you probably didn't even realize were actually made from comic books. Today, though, we're looking at the abominations of film that were made from your childhood memories. Without further ado, the All Time Top Five Worst Mainstream Comic Book Movies.
5) Superman Returns - This is more a result of failed expectations than anything else. Directed by Bryan Singer (of Usual Suspects and X-Men 2 fame) and starring the always interesting Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, this movie had high hopes. It was the rebooting of a franchise after decades of false starts, and, by all accounts, it should have been great. But...it wasn't. It wasn't so much awful as just, really, not that great, which is almost a greater travesty. Part of the blame lies with the Superman archetype itself--by definition, there's really just nothing the guy can't do. Fly? Check. Run really fast? Check. Jump really high? Check. Stop bullets with his eye? Check. Turn back time if he needs to? Check. I mean, where's the conflict? Shouldn't this be a 15 minute film? Bad guys do stuff, Superman flies after them and fixes it. End of movie. Maybe it's just my personal bias, but Superman is boring as hell, and this movie didn't do him any favors.
4) X-Men 3: The Last Stand - The worst tragedy of that suck Superman film? Bryan Singer gave up the opportunity to continue his steady hand of the X-Men franchise to direct it, which led to this piece of crap by Brett "Rush Hour" Ratner. Ratner is a well-known hack, and I guess his directing a movie that sucked this much was really an inevitability. X-Men 3 ended up being your basic rudderless piece of crap action flick with no heart and less sense. It is basically a stand in on this list for all the other pointless comic book films that preceded and followed it (Daredevil, Punisher, Ghost Rider, etc.).
3) Elektra - An inside look at a movie studio creative meeting: Executive 1: Hey, you know that suck ass Ben Affleck movie...where he was a blind lawyer?
Executive 2: Yeah, vaguely. What a piece of crap.
Executive 1: Yeah, that's the one. Well, how about this. How about a supporting character from that crap movie...is turned into the hero of another new movie. And he has like, those weapons that one of the ninja turtles used. Not the nunchucks, but those mini-daggers that only seem to work if you're really close to your opponent, thereby making them pretty useless.
Executive 2: I like it, but...it's missing something.
Executive 1: Not anymore...he is a she. And she's named...
Executive 2: Wonder Woman!
Executive 1: Um, no...Elektra, actually.
Executive 2: Oh. Well, whatever. We'll make it work.
2) The Fantastic Four - This movie was such a ridiculous piece of crap I'm not even sure where to begin. The action is cheesy and obviously computer generated, the acting is wooden and the dialogue stilted, the main characters are cardboard cutouts with no depth, and none of their motivations seem to make any damn sense. Ben Grimm comes back from space a monster and his fiancee leaves him without saying a word (and really, these two scenes are just...they're so bad. I couldn't possibly do them justice in print). Jessica Alba runs around in her underwear for no real reason other than to show Jessica Alba in her underwear, Dr. Doom is played by the guy from Nip/Tuck...I could go on and on. It's just awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. I can't believe they made a sequel. Hopefully someone will kick the crap out of the annoying dude who plays the Human Torch in this one.
1) Batman and Robin - The godfather of shitty comic book film adaptations. Joel Schumaker--at times a competent director-- just plain got this one wrong. He started with the campy 'Batman Forever' which should have warned us. The bright colors, Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones hamming it up--the signs were there. We chose to ignore them however, and this emboldened Schumaker--and that's when he decided to really go overboard.
Where to start? Nipples on the batsuit? A chubby Alicia Silverstone lisping her way through as Batgirl? The ever-annoying Chris O'Donnell aptly playing the ever-annoying Robin? George Clooney--and I like George Clooney, I really do--but George Clooney as Batman? The scene where he steps out of the shadows and delivers the line, "Alred's not sick...he's dying." just oozes smarm. That scene sums up his awful performance in a nutshell. Just the wrong man for the job. Throw in an ultra-campy Governator as "Mistuh Freeez" and a cartoonish Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy, and you've got a recipe for disaster. There is nothing redeemable about this film, unless you are watching it Mystery Science Theater style. It not only is the worst comic book film of all time, it could stake a claim for the worst movie ever. And that's really saying something.
Awful Mainstream Comic Book Movies that just missed the cut: Hulk (not incredible this time around, which was apt); Spawn (crappy, sure, but is it really that mainstream?); Batman Forever (haven't we picked on Schumaker enough?); and Transformers (not released yet, and not technically a comic book, but c'mon--Shia Lebeouf? You know it's gonna suck).
But there's a whole plethora of films you didn't even know where comic books first--and man do they suck! Stop by tomorrow for the worst of them.
5) Superman Returns - This is more a result of failed expectations than anything else. Directed by Bryan Singer (of Usual Suspects and X-Men 2 fame) and starring the always interesting Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, this movie had high hopes. It was the rebooting of a franchise after decades of false starts, and, by all accounts, it should have been great. But...it wasn't. It wasn't so much awful as just, really, not that great, which is almost a greater travesty. Part of the blame lies with the Superman archetype itself--by definition, there's really just nothing the guy can't do. Fly? Check. Run really fast? Check. Jump really high? Check. Stop bullets with his eye? Check. Turn back time if he needs to? Check. I mean, where's the conflict? Shouldn't this be a 15 minute film? Bad guys do stuff, Superman flies after them and fixes it. End of movie. Maybe it's just my personal bias, but Superman is boring as hell, and this movie didn't do him any favors.
4) X-Men 3: The Last Stand - The worst tragedy of that suck Superman film? Bryan Singer gave up the opportunity to continue his steady hand of the X-Men franchise to direct it, which led to this piece of crap by Brett "Rush Hour" Ratner. Ratner is a well-known hack, and I guess his directing a movie that sucked this much was really an inevitability. X-Men 3 ended up being your basic rudderless piece of crap action flick with no heart and less sense. It is basically a stand in on this list for all the other pointless comic book films that preceded and followed it (Daredevil, Punisher, Ghost Rider, etc.).
3) Elektra - An inside look at a movie studio creative meeting: Executive 1: Hey, you know that suck ass Ben Affleck movie...where he was a blind lawyer?
Executive 2: Yeah, vaguely. What a piece of crap.
Executive 1: Yeah, that's the one. Well, how about this. How about a supporting character from that crap movie...is turned into the hero of another new movie. And he has like, those weapons that one of the ninja turtles used. Not the nunchucks, but those mini-daggers that only seem to work if you're really close to your opponent, thereby making them pretty useless.
Executive 2: I like it, but...it's missing something.
Executive 1: Not anymore...he is a she. And she's named...
Executive 2: Wonder Woman!
Executive 1: Um, no...Elektra, actually.
Executive 2: Oh. Well, whatever. We'll make it work.
2) The Fantastic Four - This movie was such a ridiculous piece of crap I'm not even sure where to begin. The action is cheesy and obviously computer generated, the acting is wooden and the dialogue stilted, the main characters are cardboard cutouts with no depth, and none of their motivations seem to make any damn sense. Ben Grimm comes back from space a monster and his fiancee leaves him without saying a word (and really, these two scenes are just...they're so bad. I couldn't possibly do them justice in print). Jessica Alba runs around in her underwear for no real reason other than to show Jessica Alba in her underwear, Dr. Doom is played by the guy from Nip/Tuck...I could go on and on. It's just awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. I can't believe they made a sequel. Hopefully someone will kick the crap out of the annoying dude who plays the Human Torch in this one.
1) Batman and Robin - The godfather of shitty comic book film adaptations. Joel Schumaker--at times a competent director-- just plain got this one wrong. He started with the campy 'Batman Forever' which should have warned us. The bright colors, Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones hamming it up--the signs were there. We chose to ignore them however, and this emboldened Schumaker--and that's when he decided to really go overboard.
Where to start? Nipples on the batsuit? A chubby Alicia Silverstone lisping her way through as Batgirl? The ever-annoying Chris O'Donnell aptly playing the ever-annoying Robin? George Clooney--and I like George Clooney, I really do--but George Clooney as Batman? The scene where he steps out of the shadows and delivers the line, "Alred's not sick...he's dying." just oozes smarm. That scene sums up his awful performance in a nutshell. Just the wrong man for the job. Throw in an ultra-campy Governator as "Mistuh Freeez" and a cartoonish Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy, and you've got a recipe for disaster. There is nothing redeemable about this film, unless you are watching it Mystery Science Theater style. It not only is the worst comic book film of all time, it could stake a claim for the worst movie ever. And that's really saying something.
Awful Mainstream Comic Book Movies that just missed the cut: Hulk (not incredible this time around, which was apt); Spawn (crappy, sure, but is it really that mainstream?); Batman Forever (haven't we picked on Schumaker enough?); and Transformers (not released yet, and not technically a comic book, but c'mon--Shia Lebeouf? You know it's gonna suck).
But there's a whole plethora of films you didn't even know where comic books first--and man do they suck! Stop by tomorrow for the worst of them.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
All Time Top Five Ben Stiller Cameos
Continuing our Ben Stiller theme, today we're taking a look at Ben Stiller's All Time Top Five cameos in other people's movies. Stiller has practically made a cottage industry of appearing for short bursts in other people's movies. It's pretty much gotten to the point where if there's a 'Frat Pack' member starring in the movie, you can count on good ole' Ben dropping by and saying something of varying humorous quality. Lately he's just been mailing it in (see: Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny), doing little more than showing up and waiting for the inevitable audience applause. But it wasn't always that way...without further ado, the All Time Top Five Ben Stiller cameos.
5) Wedding Crashers - He was pretty funny in thi...oh, wait, what's that? He wasn't actually in this one? Oh. I guess I just assumed that everyone in the so-called 'Frat Pack' cameoed since the damn thing dragged on for so long.
4) Arrested Development - Stiller had a hilarious recurring role on the gone-before-its-time sitcom as a magician--excuse me, Illusionist. His Tony Wonder--whose main trick was to make food appear to have come out of various parts of his body (at great anguish to himself), was another hilariously eccentric character in a show full of them.
3) Happy Gilmore - "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma." Classic. Bonus points for the killer 'stache.
2) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - Speaking of killer 'staches, Stiller went to the well again in the absurd--but brilliant--News Anchor fight scene, sporting a the sweet 'stache and long hair as Arturo Mendes, anchor of the Spanish Language news. Truly this scene was cameo heaven, but it earns Stiller the number two spot for holding his own, beetches!
1) Extras - Another show known for it's hilarious celeb cameos, Stiller parodied (we hope) himself to hilarious effect as a director with an enormous ego. When Stiller tells the writer of the film to "stop going on about your fucking dead wife" he takes it up a notch. When he starts spouting off the worldwide grosses of his movies and kissing Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and slapping Jennifer Aniston's ass, it's the icing on the cake. It still counts!
5) Wedding Crashers - He was pretty funny in thi...oh, wait, what's that? He wasn't actually in this one? Oh. I guess I just assumed that everyone in the so-called 'Frat Pack' cameoed since the damn thing dragged on for so long.
4) Arrested Development - Stiller had a hilarious recurring role on the gone-before-its-time sitcom as a magician--excuse me, Illusionist. His Tony Wonder--whose main trick was to make food appear to have come out of various parts of his body (at great anguish to himself), was another hilariously eccentric character in a show full of them.
3) Happy Gilmore - "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma." Classic. Bonus points for the killer 'stache.
2) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - Speaking of killer 'staches, Stiller went to the well again in the absurd--but brilliant--News Anchor fight scene, sporting a the sweet 'stache and long hair as Arturo Mendes, anchor of the Spanish Language news. Truly this scene was cameo heaven, but it earns Stiller the number two spot for holding his own, beetches!
1) Extras - Another show known for it's hilarious celeb cameos, Stiller parodied (we hope) himself to hilarious effect as a director with an enormous ego. When Stiller tells the writer of the film to "stop going on about your fucking dead wife" he takes it up a notch. When he starts spouting off the worldwide grosses of his movies and kissing Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and slapping Jennifer Aniston's ass, it's the icing on the cake. It still counts!
All Time Top Five Worst Ben Stiller Movies
The Ben Stiller crapfest 'A Night at the Museum' comes out on DVD today, and, like most Ben Stiller movies, you'll either love it or hate it (I assume anyone over the age of 7 falls into the 'hate it' category). I'd initially considered saving this list for the now seemingly inevitable release of the sure to be god-awful 'Little Fockers', but decided, why wait? Because that's the thing with Ben Stiller; for every 'Zoolander', there's a 'Mystery Men'; for every 'Meet the Parents' there's a 'Meet the Fockers' and so on.
Therefore, it seems like a good idea to delve into the All Time Top Five Worst Ben Stiller movies. Below lies the worst of the worst. (If you're a Ben Stiller fan and don't appreciate the hating on his poorer choices, don't fret; tomorrow we'll continue the Ben Stiller theme, but in a more positive way. We'll look at the All Time Top Five Ben Stiller cameos in other people's movies, because sometimes it's best to get your Stiller in small doses.)
5) Untitled Christine Taylor Project - Okay, this one might be cheating a little bit, since it hasn't actually happened yet, and is, technically, a television show, but come on--you know it's gonna suck.
4) Duplex - I haven't actually seen this one, but sometimes you don't have to.
3) Mystery Men - I'll give this movie some positive points for having such an outstanding cast, but then I'll take all of those points away--and then some--for squandering said cast so horribly. Incidentally, I think it is this movie that singlehandedly forced the skinny half of the 'Good Burger' team, Kel Mitchell, into the so truly awful it's actually oddly compelling 'Dance 360' while his more plump co-star moved onto the greener (sort of) pastures of SNL, replacing Horatio Sanz as the unfunny fat guy who laughs through every sketch he's in. (Interesting bit of trivia: with this movie, Ben Stiller has co-starred with both halves of the Dynamic Duo of Keenan and Kel, also starring in 'Heavyweights' with a younger, fatter Keenan.)
2) Keeping the Faith - What was the suckiest thing about this movie? Could it have been the fact that it wasn't at all funny? Maybe. The fact that they cast the ever-annoying Dharma as the love interest? Quite possibly. Perhaps it was the way they portrayed religious stereotypes for cheap laughs? Almost definitely. Wait, no, maybe it was the way Ben Stiller and Edward Norton--two guys that few people would confuse for 'cool'--portrayed a 'hip' Rabbi and a 'chill' priest who wear leather jackets and sunglasses and make religion fun and exciting. Most assuredly. But no, I think there is a more compelling case for this movie's suckitude. The tagline. "If you have to believe in something, you might as well believe in love." *Throws up in mouth* Moving on.
1) Envy - This movie is just awful. Don't watch it, unless you want to get extremely angry wondering how a cast of Stiller, Jack Black, Christopher Walken, Academy Award Winner Rachel Weisz, and the hilarious Amy Poehler could could all be so horribly wasted on such a craptastic film. There really isn't anything redeemable about it, which makes it the perfect choice for Ben Stiller's crappiest of many, many crappy films.
Crappy Ben Stiller Movies that just missed the cut: Meet the Fockers (a crapfest from start to finish, sure, but...well, we could only fit 5 movies), Heavyweights (Stiller is actually the only good thing about this crappy Disney flick about fat kids at a fat camp, so it hardly seems fair to punish him for it), Reality Bites (and so did this movie), and Along Came Polly (saved by Phillip Seymour Hoffman's hilarious "I just sharted," bit. How can a movie with something that sublime be the worst anything?).
Therefore, it seems like a good idea to delve into the All Time Top Five Worst Ben Stiller movies. Below lies the worst of the worst. (If you're a Ben Stiller fan and don't appreciate the hating on his poorer choices, don't fret; tomorrow we'll continue the Ben Stiller theme, but in a more positive way. We'll look at the All Time Top Five Ben Stiller cameos in other people's movies, because sometimes it's best to get your Stiller in small doses.)
5) Untitled Christine Taylor Project - Okay, this one might be cheating a little bit, since it hasn't actually happened yet, and is, technically, a television show, but come on--you know it's gonna suck.
4) Duplex - I haven't actually seen this one, but sometimes you don't have to.
3) Mystery Men - I'll give this movie some positive points for having such an outstanding cast, but then I'll take all of those points away--and then some--for squandering said cast so horribly. Incidentally, I think it is this movie that singlehandedly forced the skinny half of the 'Good Burger' team, Kel Mitchell, into the so truly awful it's actually oddly compelling 'Dance 360' while his more plump co-star moved onto the greener (sort of) pastures of SNL, replacing Horatio Sanz as the unfunny fat guy who laughs through every sketch he's in. (Interesting bit of trivia: with this movie, Ben Stiller has co-starred with both halves of the Dynamic Duo of Keenan and Kel, also starring in 'Heavyweights' with a younger, fatter Keenan.)
2) Keeping the Faith - What was the suckiest thing about this movie? Could it have been the fact that it wasn't at all funny? Maybe. The fact that they cast the ever-annoying Dharma as the love interest? Quite possibly. Perhaps it was the way they portrayed religious stereotypes for cheap laughs? Almost definitely. Wait, no, maybe it was the way Ben Stiller and Edward Norton--two guys that few people would confuse for 'cool'--portrayed a 'hip' Rabbi and a 'chill' priest who wear leather jackets and sunglasses and make religion fun and exciting. Most assuredly. But no, I think there is a more compelling case for this movie's suckitude. The tagline. "If you have to believe in something, you might as well believe in love." *Throws up in mouth* Moving on.
1) Envy - This movie is just awful. Don't watch it, unless you want to get extremely angry wondering how a cast of Stiller, Jack Black, Christopher Walken, Academy Award Winner Rachel Weisz, and the hilarious Amy Poehler could could all be so horribly wasted on such a craptastic film. There really isn't anything redeemable about it, which makes it the perfect choice for Ben Stiller's crappiest of many, many crappy films.
Crappy Ben Stiller Movies that just missed the cut: Meet the Fockers (a crapfest from start to finish, sure, but...well, we could only fit 5 movies), Heavyweights (Stiller is actually the only good thing about this crappy Disney flick about fat kids at a fat camp, so it hardly seems fair to punish him for it), Reality Bites (and so did this movie), and Along Came Polly (saved by Phillip Seymour Hoffman's hilarious "I just sharted," bit. How can a movie with something that sublime be the worst anything?).
Monday, April 23, 2007
All Time Top Five Talking Pigs
In honor of Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig," we thought it'd be fun to take a look at some of the great talking pigs through history. Without further ado, the All Time Top Five Best Talking Pigs Ever.
5) Rosie O'Don...we kid Rosie because we love her. The real list:
5) Arnold the Talking Pig from 'Green Acres' - I don't really know much about 'Green Acres' aside from the theme song (which is now no doubt stuck in your head, much to your chagrin I'm sure), but I do know they had a talking pig. Which is kind of cool. Otherwise I'm not sure the show was worth a damn. So, for making that show at least appear worthwhile, Arnold makes this list. Bonus points for the (debunked) urban legend that the cast ate Arnold once filming wrapped.
4) Wilbur from 'Charlotte's Web' - I hate to do this, mainly because I always thought Wilbur was kind of a whiny wimp, but the fact of the matter is, the market for talking pigs is pretty dry. So Whiny Wilbur the Wuss makes it by default.
3) Babe the Gallant Pig from 'Babe' - It might seem odd that I'm no fan of Wilbur but a great admirer of Babe the Gallant Pig from Babe, but, what can I say. Spiders are gross, but the pigs that played Babe were really cute. I just liked the movie I guess. It has a quiet, understated dignity that I find charming.
2) The 3 Little Pigs - The 3 Little Pigs, while profoundly stupid (except for the one who built a brick house, of course), have certainly etched themselves a place in our collective consciousness. They also get bonus points for not only being able to speak (and hold conversations--in rhyme!), but also for being such astute carpenters as to be able to erect livable houses. I mean, that's pretty impressive. I bet Baldwin's daughter can't do that.
1) Porky the Pig - The obvious winner, if only because I don't even need to tell you where he is from. Porky is obviously the world's most famous talking pig, even if he struggles to do so without stuttering. Perhaps this is his most enduring charm, the fact that he is able to overcome his speech problems and live a healthy, normal life. Or maybe it's the fact that he's a lovable pervert who runs around without pants. Either way, congratulations to Porky, the world's greatest talking pig.
Talking Pigs That Just Missed: Napoleon and the other 'Animal Farm' pigs (not really famous enough, despite the allegorical connections), Gordy from that godawful Babe rip-off 'Gordy' (talking pig who made it big my ass), Your Toes (I wanted to include them but then they went "wee, wee, wee" all the way home, so I said screw it).
5) Rosie O'Don...we kid Rosie because we love her. The real list:
5) Arnold the Talking Pig from 'Green Acres' - I don't really know much about 'Green Acres' aside from the theme song (which is now no doubt stuck in your head, much to your chagrin I'm sure), but I do know they had a talking pig. Which is kind of cool. Otherwise I'm not sure the show was worth a damn. So, for making that show at least appear worthwhile, Arnold makes this list. Bonus points for the (debunked) urban legend that the cast ate Arnold once filming wrapped.
4) Wilbur from 'Charlotte's Web' - I hate to do this, mainly because I always thought Wilbur was kind of a whiny wimp, but the fact of the matter is, the market for talking pigs is pretty dry. So Whiny Wilbur the Wuss makes it by default.
3) Babe the Gallant Pig from 'Babe' - It might seem odd that I'm no fan of Wilbur but a great admirer of Babe the Gallant Pig from Babe, but, what can I say. Spiders are gross, but the pigs that played Babe were really cute. I just liked the movie I guess. It has a quiet, understated dignity that I find charming.
2) The 3 Little Pigs - The 3 Little Pigs, while profoundly stupid (except for the one who built a brick house, of course), have certainly etched themselves a place in our collective consciousness. They also get bonus points for not only being able to speak (and hold conversations--in rhyme!), but also for being such astute carpenters as to be able to erect livable houses. I mean, that's pretty impressive. I bet Baldwin's daughter can't do that.
1) Porky the Pig - The obvious winner, if only because I don't even need to tell you where he is from. Porky is obviously the world's most famous talking pig, even if he struggles to do so without stuttering. Perhaps this is his most enduring charm, the fact that he is able to overcome his speech problems and live a healthy, normal life. Or maybe it's the fact that he's a lovable pervert who runs around without pants. Either way, congratulations to Porky, the world's greatest talking pig.
Talking Pigs That Just Missed: Napoleon and the other 'Animal Farm' pigs (not really famous enough, despite the allegorical connections), Gordy from that godawful Babe rip-off 'Gordy' (talking pig who made it big my ass), Your Toes (I wanted to include them but then they went "wee, wee, wee" all the way home, so I said screw it).
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
All Time Top Five Scariest Movie Villains
I was reading something about movie villains today, and it got me thinking; let's say you hear something in the middle of the night, stumble out of bed and investigate. You look around briefly but don't see anything out of the ordinary, so you head to the bathroom and bend over to rinse your face with water briefly. You turn off the faucet and look up, and there, standing behind you is ___________, the villain from ___________. Who would be the scariest movie villain to see behind you in the mirror. Here's the definitive Top Five.
5) Freddy Krueger/Jason Vorhees/Michael Myers - It's a 3 way tie for this one, basically because they are the generic stock slasher flick villain you'd hate to see pretty much anywhere. They're scary, sure, but it seems like a cop-out to take up 3 seperate spots on the list with them. This seems about right. (Points lost for seeing Freddy Krueger in the mirror behind you, because that's the point where you'd wake up and realize it was just a dream.)
4) Darth Vader - This of course assumes that we're talking the James Earl Jones voiced giant and not the whiny Hayden Christensen one. To be honest, this guy would've been much higher on the list if George Lucas hadn't decided to defile his legacy with those godawful prequels. Seemed like a good idea at the time, didn't it? Darth also loses points for basically being the Emperor's bitch.
3) A Vampire of Pretty Much Any Type - Dracula maybe? It doesn't matter. Vampires just freak me out.
2) The Little Girl from the Exorcist - When she was possessed of course. So maybe, more appropriately, the answer to this one is "the Devil when possessing somebody", but that seems more cumbersome. That girl was just scary looking. Two things that amazed me about that movie. 1) That it took them so long to get this girl checked out, and that they also seemed to general have some sort of contact with her. Once she started speaking in tongues and looking creepy, I'd be out. But that's just me. 2) That the little girl grew up to be pretty hot, actually. Even now she's kind of a MILF.
1) Wicked Witch of the West - The Wicked Witch of the West scared the crap out of me as a kid, and I gotta tell you, she still sort of scares me. I used to have all kinds of nightmares involving the exact scenario I laid out in the opening paragraph when I was younger. I used to think I'd grow out of it, but I still sometimes have nightmares about her. She was genuinely scary. The weird thing about it, is that the movie is so old (and really pretty boring when she's not around) and yet I can't imagine that they could make her look scarier if they remade that film today. They'd probably just CGI the character or something. Margaret Hamilton was just perfectly frightening. The fact remains, The Wicked Witch of the West is by far the scariest movie villain of all time, despite recent revisionist history to the contrary.
Movie Villains that Just missed: Hannibal Lecter (I guess he's scary, but Anthony Hopkins just doesn't scare me. I mean, have you seen 'Howard's End'?); Terminator (which one do you pick? The scariest would probably be the liquid metal one from the 1st sequel, but, really, that's just a guy with elf-like ears. And how scary is that?); Any "Scary" Disney Character (they're cartoons, get over it).
5) Freddy Krueger/Jason Vorhees/Michael Myers - It's a 3 way tie for this one, basically because they are the generic stock slasher flick villain you'd hate to see pretty much anywhere. They're scary, sure, but it seems like a cop-out to take up 3 seperate spots on the list with them. This seems about right. (Points lost for seeing Freddy Krueger in the mirror behind you, because that's the point where you'd wake up and realize it was just a dream.)
4) Darth Vader - This of course assumes that we're talking the James Earl Jones voiced giant and not the whiny Hayden Christensen one. To be honest, this guy would've been much higher on the list if George Lucas hadn't decided to defile his legacy with those godawful prequels. Seemed like a good idea at the time, didn't it? Darth also loses points for basically being the Emperor's bitch.
3) A Vampire of Pretty Much Any Type - Dracula maybe? It doesn't matter. Vampires just freak me out.
2) The Little Girl from the Exorcist - When she was possessed of course. So maybe, more appropriately, the answer to this one is "the Devil when possessing somebody", but that seems more cumbersome. That girl was just scary looking. Two things that amazed me about that movie. 1) That it took them so long to get this girl checked out, and that they also seemed to general have some sort of contact with her. Once she started speaking in tongues and looking creepy, I'd be out. But that's just me. 2) That the little girl grew up to be pretty hot, actually. Even now she's kind of a MILF.
1) Wicked Witch of the West - The Wicked Witch of the West scared the crap out of me as a kid, and I gotta tell you, she still sort of scares me. I used to have all kinds of nightmares involving the exact scenario I laid out in the opening paragraph when I was younger. I used to think I'd grow out of it, but I still sometimes have nightmares about her. She was genuinely scary. The weird thing about it, is that the movie is so old (and really pretty boring when she's not around) and yet I can't imagine that they could make her look scarier if they remade that film today. They'd probably just CGI the character or something. Margaret Hamilton was just perfectly frightening. The fact remains, The Wicked Witch of the West is by far the scariest movie villain of all time, despite recent revisionist history to the contrary.
Movie Villains that Just missed: Hannibal Lecter (I guess he's scary, but Anthony Hopkins just doesn't scare me. I mean, have you seen 'Howard's End'?); Terminator (which one do you pick? The scariest would probably be the liquid metal one from the 1st sequel, but, really, that's just a guy with elf-like ears. And how scary is that?); Any "Scary" Disney Character (they're cartoons, get over it).
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007
All Time Top Five Television Game Shows
Apropos of nothing, today is the All Time Top Five Television Game Shows.
5) Family Feud - Survey says, pretty good show. Okay, that was a lame joke, but let's be honest--the real measure of a game show is if it holds your attention when you're flipping channels on a random Wednesday afternoon. And I think Family Feud does that. Bonus points for taking such an inane and arbitrary concept—we randomly interviewed 100 random folks in a completely unscientific fashion, and YOU have to guess what they said—and somehow making it not just watchable, but…well, okay, just watchable I guess. But that’s still something, right?
4) Debt – This is admittedly an obscure choice. Debt ran on Lifetime for a couple of years in the late 90s, and, to be honest, I’m not even sure how I even knew enough to watch it (I’ll blame my Mom for watching crappy Lifetime movies of the week). I do know, however, that even as a teenager I was able to answer most of the pop-culture oriented questions, and it was a cool concept (people who’d recklessly racked up a bunch of debt where given a chance to have the slate wiped clean, courtesy of the always likeable game show veteran Wink Martindale). What really puts it over the top though, was that the winner—once they’d already been made debt-free—has a chance to then win the amount of their debt in cash by answering a question on any pop-culture subject of their choice. The catch? If they get it wrong they’re right back where they started. In heaps of debt and ugly. Well, maybe not ugly, but probably. And definitely in heaps of debt.
3) Who Wants to Be a Millionaire – What can I say? I liked the concept. I love trivia, and the fact that the questions got harder as the winnings went up was a good idea. Fastest finger was fun too. Of course, this only refers to the original nightly version with Regis Philbin—even though I’m no big Regis Philbin fan, I just can’t stand Meredith Viera. I’m always shocked when staying home sick from work and flipping channels and finding that it’s still on. It loses points for inspiring all kinds of awful knockoffs though—from ‘Weakest Link’ to the insufferable ‘Deal or No Deal’ (which makes me long for days when game shows actually involved a modicum of skill).
2) The Price is Right – Yes, I know it’s basically a marketing vehicle for a bunch of shitty products. And yes, I’m aware that the only people who watch this show are old people and college students. And yes, I also think it’s bullshit that it’s closest without going over, leading people to basically just cheat and go $1 over what the person before them picked for a price on said shitty product. But, well…I buy shitty products, I was a college student once and with a little luck I’ll be an old person someday, and…I really can’t excuse that last one, but some people say it’s a strategy. So, in short, The Price is Right is the second best game show ever, though I can’t help but wonder how it will fare when Bob Barker retires later this year. The end of an era.
1) Jeopardy – The granddaddy of ‘em all. Sure, the questions are hard as hell. Yes, Alex Trebek—while strangely likable—is also something of a smug jerk. And yes, all the contestants are nerds. But come on—how good do you feel when you get a question right and one of those nerds misses it? Besides, it’s a pop-culture fixture, the most recognizable game show on the planet. That counts for something, I think.
Just missing the cut: Wheel of Fortune (come on, it's just Hangman!), Let's Make a Deal (what's behind door #3? A goat? Oh, bull*&$#!), Double Dare (lost significant points for the ubiquitous Family Double Dare, which pretty much took the place of regular Double Dare), and Remote Control (Pros: launched the career of Colin Quinn. Cons: Launched the career of Colin Quinn.)
5) Family Feud - Survey says, pretty good show. Okay, that was a lame joke, but let's be honest--the real measure of a game show is if it holds your attention when you're flipping channels on a random Wednesday afternoon. And I think Family Feud does that. Bonus points for taking such an inane and arbitrary concept—we randomly interviewed 100 random folks in a completely unscientific fashion, and YOU have to guess what they said—and somehow making it not just watchable, but…well, okay, just watchable I guess. But that’s still something, right?
4) Debt – This is admittedly an obscure choice. Debt ran on Lifetime for a couple of years in the late 90s, and, to be honest, I’m not even sure how I even knew enough to watch it (I’ll blame my Mom for watching crappy Lifetime movies of the week). I do know, however, that even as a teenager I was able to answer most of the pop-culture oriented questions, and it was a cool concept (people who’d recklessly racked up a bunch of debt where given a chance to have the slate wiped clean, courtesy of the always likeable game show veteran Wink Martindale). What really puts it over the top though, was that the winner—once they’d already been made debt-free—has a chance to then win the amount of their debt in cash by answering a question on any pop-culture subject of their choice. The catch? If they get it wrong they’re right back where they started. In heaps of debt and ugly. Well, maybe not ugly, but probably. And definitely in heaps of debt.
3) Who Wants to Be a Millionaire – What can I say? I liked the concept. I love trivia, and the fact that the questions got harder as the winnings went up was a good idea. Fastest finger was fun too. Of course, this only refers to the original nightly version with Regis Philbin—even though I’m no big Regis Philbin fan, I just can’t stand Meredith Viera. I’m always shocked when staying home sick from work and flipping channels and finding that it’s still on. It loses points for inspiring all kinds of awful knockoffs though—from ‘Weakest Link’ to the insufferable ‘Deal or No Deal’ (which makes me long for days when game shows actually involved a modicum of skill).
2) The Price is Right – Yes, I know it’s basically a marketing vehicle for a bunch of shitty products. And yes, I’m aware that the only people who watch this show are old people and college students. And yes, I also think it’s bullshit that it’s closest without going over, leading people to basically just cheat and go $1 over what the person before them picked for a price on said shitty product. But, well…I buy shitty products, I was a college student once and with a little luck I’ll be an old person someday, and…I really can’t excuse that last one, but some people say it’s a strategy. So, in short, The Price is Right is the second best game show ever, though I can’t help but wonder how it will fare when Bob Barker retires later this year. The end of an era.
1) Jeopardy – The granddaddy of ‘em all. Sure, the questions are hard as hell. Yes, Alex Trebek—while strangely likable—is also something of a smug jerk. And yes, all the contestants are nerds. But come on—how good do you feel when you get a question right and one of those nerds misses it? Besides, it’s a pop-culture fixture, the most recognizable game show on the planet. That counts for something, I think.
Just missing the cut: Wheel of Fortune (come on, it's just Hangman!), Let's Make a Deal (what's behind door #3? A goat? Oh, bull*&$#!), Double Dare (lost significant points for the ubiquitous Family Double Dare, which pretty much took the place of regular Double Dare), and Remote Control (Pros: launched the career of Colin Quinn. Cons: Launched the career of Colin Quinn.)
Friday, April 13, 2007
All Time Top Five Adult Themed Cartoons
In honor of the eagerly anticipated and critically adored (well, not exactly) 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters' opening today, I thought it'd be appropriate to take a look at the unequivocal all time top 5 adult-themed cartoons. Most of these cartoons do have wide ranging age appeal, but there will be no 'Smurfs' or 'Gummi Bears' on the list, despite their obvious brilliance. Technicality, sorry.
So, without further ado, the All Time Top Five Adult Themed Cartoons.
5) 3 South - A hilarious show that was swallowed up in the abyss that is MTV. Never knew exactly when it was on (purportedly the 10 Spot, which was really any time from 10 pm - 1 am every night), never knew when it'd be a new episode, and never knew when or why it was cancelled. It just ceased to exist. But hey, plenty of new episodes of 'The Real World' every year! So that's good.
4) Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Sure, the episodes are only 11 minutes long. Sure there seems to be no real plot to speak of. And yes, it revolves around a giant milkshake, a giant floating packet of french fries, and a borderline retarded ball of meat. But isn't that where it's brilliance lies?
3) Family Guy - This one is sinking like a stone. I loved the old episodes before it got cancelled, but lately it just seems to be a shell of it's former self. Sometimes it's better to burn out quickly and let people wonder what might have been than to linger and show them. Still, eminently quotable and elicits at least a hearty laugh or two per episode, even if I sort of hate myself for laughing afterwards.
2) South Park - It's amazing that not only is this show still going strong, but it's quite possibly better than ever. Dead-on parodies of pop culture and life in general are always welcome, but the fact of the matter is that it would have been guaranteed this spot based on the Scott Tenorman episode alone.
1) The Simpsons - What can you say that hasn't already been said? It's clearly head and shoulders above the cartoon fray, having transcended mere cartoon or sitcom status and becoming a cultural icon. Bonus points for aging so gracefully (not that they it needs them). Quite possibly the best show ever. Period.
Really good Adult Themed Cartoons that didn't quite make the cut: Home Movies (animation too squiggly), Sealab 2021 (just missed), Robot Chicken (too new), Futurama (never got a fair shake, but a great show), Ren and Stimpy (just never liked as much as others), Space Ghost Coast to Coast (Adult Swim loaded with great ones) and The Critic (just never the same once it left ABC for Fox, oddly enough).
So, without further ado, the All Time Top Five Adult Themed Cartoons.
5) 3 South - A hilarious show that was swallowed up in the abyss that is MTV. Never knew exactly when it was on (purportedly the 10 Spot, which was really any time from 10 pm - 1 am every night), never knew when it'd be a new episode, and never knew when or why it was cancelled. It just ceased to exist. But hey, plenty of new episodes of 'The Real World' every year! So that's good.
4) Aqua Teen Hunger Force - Sure, the episodes are only 11 minutes long. Sure there seems to be no real plot to speak of. And yes, it revolves around a giant milkshake, a giant floating packet of french fries, and a borderline retarded ball of meat. But isn't that where it's brilliance lies?
3) Family Guy - This one is sinking like a stone. I loved the old episodes before it got cancelled, but lately it just seems to be a shell of it's former self. Sometimes it's better to burn out quickly and let people wonder what might have been than to linger and show them. Still, eminently quotable and elicits at least a hearty laugh or two per episode, even if I sort of hate myself for laughing afterwards.
2) South Park - It's amazing that not only is this show still going strong, but it's quite possibly better than ever. Dead-on parodies of pop culture and life in general are always welcome, but the fact of the matter is that it would have been guaranteed this spot based on the Scott Tenorman episode alone.
1) The Simpsons - What can you say that hasn't already been said? It's clearly head and shoulders above the cartoon fray, having transcended mere cartoon or sitcom status and becoming a cultural icon. Bonus points for aging so gracefully (not that they it needs them). Quite possibly the best show ever. Period.
Really good Adult Themed Cartoons that didn't quite make the cut: Home Movies (animation too squiggly), Sealab 2021 (just missed), Robot Chicken (too new), Futurama (never got a fair shake, but a great show), Ren and Stimpy (just never liked as much as others), Space Ghost Coast to Coast (Adult Swim loaded with great ones) and The Critic (just never the same once it left ABC for Fox, oddly enough).
Thursday, April 12, 2007
All Time Top Five Books
Let's get started with something really basic and fundamentally impossible to quantify (it'll be a theme). Top Five Books of All Time, unequivocally. For now anyway.
5) "A Clockwork Orange" by Anthony Burgess
4) "The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen
3) "Franny & Zooey" by J.D. Salinger
2) "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby
1) "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers
Any debate, though futile, is welcome.
5) "A Clockwork Orange" by Anthony Burgess
4) "The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen
3) "Franny & Zooey" by J.D. Salinger
2) "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby
1) "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers
Any debate, though futile, is welcome.
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